Sad endings and new beginnings.

I think the time has come to talk about something I have studiously avoided ever talking about. But changes are coming, and this is the easiest way I could think of to get it out there.

To our families and close friends, it is not news that Randy and I have struggled for a long time now. Years, actually. We love each other dearly and love our children, but serious financial struggles, bad decisions on both our parts (Randy's related to work and finances, mine related to how I dealt with the situation as a whole), and our inability to find middle ground in our goals and desires have made it a hard four years or so. We have fought hard and attended more than a year of marriage counseling, but have not been able to make any headway.

This led to some serious conversations about our future together at the end of July. We basically had to decide whether we saw a future that we could work toward to make our marriage happy again, which I believed (and still believe) it could be. After months of conversations about it, and bargaining, and sadness, we decided two weeks ago to divorce.

Randy and I are both heartbroken. But whereas I think that (granted, with a lot of work) we could make a happy future, he thinks it is best to move on. And so we will. And we will be ok.

Since our conversation in July, I had known this was a possibility and was quietly making plans about what I would do if things turned out this way. My mom and dad, who recently moved back here from Minnesota and are in the process of closing on a new home, have offered to let Carter and I live with them as long as needed. Hopefully, we will only be imposing on them until my job at Cottonwood Heights becomes a full-time position--probably in the middle of next year. (On a sidenote, how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for helping me be able to provide for my family. I know it's not an accident that my parents just happened to move out here now, after trying to sell their house in MN for 16 months, and that I was hired to work for the city. They are deliberate blessings, for which I am so thankful.)

A lot of my things are now in storage (thanks to my personal moving company--my family). As soon as my parents close on their house and get settled, we will be moving in with them. That will probably happen sometime before the end of October. Randy will be staying here at the house for a few months until he finds another place to stay.

Brendan, Camryn, and Carter are all aware of what is happening. I am saddest for them. I know it can't be easy, especially for Carter who has only been able to grasp that he will miss his dad. But we will work through it. We love them more than ever, and I know we will all be OK.

I'm so grateful for my family and my friends who have seen me through this, and will probably be helping to prop me up for a while to come. They help me to be strong and keep me moving when I would rather pull the covers over my head and hide.

More than anything, I want anyone who reads this to know that I love Randy and I want him to be happy. I don't want anyone to judge him harshly. I don't want anyone to judge ME harshly, either. We did our best. I wish we could be happy together, but if that is not possible I just want him to find the joy he has been searching for.

I ache for the end of all the good things we've experienced in the last nine years. But I find hope in the knowledge there are good things to come for both of us.

(And on a much lighter note, thanks to my sweet boy Carter for choosing a new background for my blog.)

The Best Mother's Day.

Yesterday, Randy treated me to a morning of pampering as my Mother's Day gift. He took Carter to work with him for the morning while I attended two appointments--one for a hot stone massage (PERFECTION) and one for a hot-towel facial (TO DIE FOR). That, combined with cards from Carter and Randy this morning, made me think my day was complete.

And then Carter said the blessing over breakfast this morning.

"Heavenly Father, I'm thankful for my mom and that she's so good to me. Bless Daddy's headache that it will feel better. We're thankful for our food and our house and our family. Bless them to be strong. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I helped raise that sweet, earnest, compassionate kid! And with all my mistakes and blunders and the trials of being a mom, in that moment I felt deeply and eternally honored and blessed.

May your Mother's Day be as wonderful as mine has been!

PS--I LOVE YOU, MOM!

Ketchup.

Ok, so it's been a while. A little over a month, to be exact. Yes, I admit my gloomy week turned into an extended hiatus from blogging, but not because there was nothing happening. So let's play "ketchup," shall we?

--We have decided to use part of our tax return to finish a room downstairs for Brendan. Right now, his room looks like this:





It gets darn cold down there in the winter, although it's quite nice in the summer. And before you call child protective services, please understand that I've invited Brendan to move back upstairs numerous times and he refuses. He's just not too keen on having to share a room with little Carter and be bound by his bed/nap times and such. I can't say I blame him.

--We also used a little bit of our tax return to get some much-needed clothing for our kids. You see, when in the midst of a financial crisis (or financial cri-SES), things like clothing and shoes and such utter nonsense get placed quite hastily on the backburner of our lives. And so, with a little money in our pockets, we indulged the kids. And then,

--Randy indulged ME by inviting a business friend of his to our house to evaluate my closet and take me shopping.

This is Sarah. She's an image consultant and jewelry designer who is also part of Randy's small business networking group. As a surprise, he gave her some money with which to buy me some clothes, invited her to the house, took the kids, and left. And I was alone with....her. Any woman like me (one with issues. I mean SERIOUS issues.) would have reacted the way I did in the face of her cool sophistication, fashionable breeziness and shopping savvy--I started to get sweaty, I had a hard time looking her in the eye, and I began to think over all the clothing in my wardrobe and immediately decided it was all frumpy and I hated it. EVERY. SINGLE. PIECE.

And then 20 minutes later we were best buddies, heading to the mall to try on millions of outfits and be brutally honest with each other. We (or I, at least!) had a blast. Sarah helped me choose some good solid wardrobe staples and made me try on some things I NEVER would have tried on myself, which was good for me. All in all, I was completely happy with our session.

So, men (or sneaky wives who need some pampering and are good at dropping hints), go to her websites and see what she has to offer. She's AMAZING. (And thanks to my sweet husband for putting it all together!)

Cable Car Couture
Blue Bijou

--Carter has a new favorite game. It's called Cash Cab.

(I'm totally attracted to this guy in a "You seem really nice and funny, but there's something in your eyes that makes me think you could rob someone at knifepoint in a dark alley" kind of way. It's one of my issues.)

On the TV show, you get in a cab, answer trivia questions, and many people walk away with a couple of thousand dollars. In Carter's version, he climbs into my mom-taxi and then begins grilling me with questions like, "What is your middle name?" and "What street do you live on?" and "When is my birthday?" It doesn't seem like it would be that funny, but I'm telling you, the kid knows how to work it. He has his TV gameshow hosting duties down to a T. So, dear reader, next time you ride in my car, I'm putting YOU on the hot seat.

--I applied for YET ANOTHER job. (I know, I know, enough with the "trying to find your destiny" crap, Stephanie.) But this is the one job that I promised myself I would apply for if it ever came up.

Until three months ago, I worked for a small community newspaper called the Valley Journals covering Cottonwood Heights' city government. Two weeks ago, the city opened a job for a part-time Public Relations Specialist. My heart just about dropped through my feet, and I applied the following Tuesday. I would LOVE this job, the salary is phenomenal, and I would be able to spend more time home with Carter than I am now. So we've got our fingers crossed that it works out. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, that's about it for now. On my honor, I will be better at updating the blog. Now, don't you wish you had a nice hot dog to go with all that ketchup?

A News Update

I feel the need to catch up on the "news" portion of this blog. So, here goes.

--I am no longer a journalist. So strange to say that! I covered the Cottonwood Heights government beat for the Valley Journals for almost three years, and now all of a sudden......I just don't. I will miss everyone I've worked with, but I will NOT miss the stress of my deadlines. In fact, I have to say it's been heavenly!!

The city council was very nice and presented me with some Cottonwood Heights mementos (scarf, shirt, keychain, mugs) and a $50 gastronomy gift card. New Yorker Restaurant, here I come!! I've been having naughty dreams about your smoked gouda potatoes for three years now!



(A word about this photo: so not flattering. I look better than this, I swear. But at the time I was on day 5 of the three week respiratory infection that I am just getting over. And I was nervous because I was standing at the front of a roomful of people. And the guy who took over my job is the one who snapped this shot, and he was using my camera which he didn't know how to use, and he was nervous too because it was his first night on the job. I'm just sayin' you have to take this photo with a grain of salt.)

--Randy sold his business. For those who don't know, Randy had a small used car dealership called Car Snobs. After two years, it has not been as profitable as we thought it would be, but has eaten up about 10 bazillion times more time and money than we thought it would. So, he has merged his biz with a company called Polished Image Auto Detailing. We are grateful for the change and think it will turn out really well. Major plus: Randy might not be quite so stressed anymore, and we might actually get to spend time with him now!

--I turned 34 a week ago. This is not an interesting tidbit in and of itself. What is interesting is that my friends chose to honor the occasion the best way they know how--with plastic pink lawn flamingos. In JANUARY.




I love my sweet friends so much! Thanks for the flamingos and the yummy breakfast Tanya, Renae, Sheri, and Kaylene! I love you guys!!

My cool sister Kiirstin bought me lunch at Taste of Thai, my current favorite restaurant. (They're in Jordan Landing now, so you locals should go check them out.)

Then, Randy took me out for a steak dinner that night. It was going to be dinner and a show, but the show part didn't work out. And it wasn't just any show--it was a performance of broadway showtunes! It would have been fun....for ME. Randy would have suffered miserably the entire time. But he was going to subject himself to the agony because he loves me!! Isn't he sweet? He not-so-secretly rejoiced that he was spared.

--Randy and I got new callings at church. We now teach the Sunbeam class (three-year-olds). God totally knew what He was doing when He helped me land that job at the preschool four months ago! It was a forewarning of what was to come! But we're having fun, even though I miss my class of 12-year-old young women.

--Finally, I had an uplifting moment on Friday night. I'm sure everyone has heard about the travesty perpetrated by NBC last week, removing Conan O'Brien from the Tonight Show in favor of welcoming back the worn-out, obvious "humor" of Jay Leno, who will take over his old chair at the Tonight Show on March 1. I tuned in to watch Conan's last night on the show, and I was inspired by some of the things he had to say; specifically this quote:

"To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

(See the video here.)

He was gracious, he was grateful, and above all he was kind. What a great example to everyone who watched this! All I can say is, I think the brass at NBC has lost their minds. Viva Conan! I'll buy tickets to watch you in a 7-11 parking lot anytime.

Reveling

HAPPY NEW YEAR!



Tonight was a quiet celebration of the new year for us. Carter went to bed around 11:15, and Randy followed soon after. So it was just me...watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin on CNN (by the way, who thought they would make good co-hosts? She just says foul things while he giggles in self-conscious horror) and swilling the Martinelli's.

I have to say I had a calm, happy moment at the turn of the year. I could hear fireworks and noisemakers and cheers outside, so I stepped out onto my porch, robe and slippers and all. I found a surprising number of other people out, too, celebrating the hope of a better year to come. (Because let's be honest, people, 2009 SUCKED THE BIG ONE. Everyone is hoping for a better year.) It was snowy and strangely quiet and peaceful in between the random shouts and fireworks, with the full moon lighting up the neighborhood. It was beautiful. It made me feel confident that good things will happen in the year to come.

So happy New Year, one and all! May 2010 bring reparations for all the crap we've had to deal with in 2009!

(And thanks for the glasses, Renae! Glittering them was the highlight of Carter's evening...ok, that and playing Wii with Randy.)

A Good Week.

We had a fun week this week (despite the fact that it was deadline week....and I missed it by two days).

It all started with a snowfall. I love the fact that Carter is old enough to start doing grown-up things, like helping Randy shovel the driveway.







What a manly man.

Then we ate this.



Yummmmmmmmy.

Today, Carter and I took the time to get some serious finger painting done.



We painted some other things, too.



I saw this today, and it made me smile.



I find them at random times and in random designs all over the house. They're like crop circles....only they're made by a really cute four-year-old instead of creepy aliens who are trying to take over the earth.

I also got some Christmas shopping done today, and figured out what I'm doing for neighbor gifts. That alone puts me light years ahead of where I was this time last year. Yay me!

Brendan and Camryn are staying here this weekend, and Randy has the day off tomorrow, so Christmas decorating--here we come!

I love this time of year!

Best and Worst of Vegas (2009 Edition)

A little over eight years ago, my sweet husband and I left on our honeymoon to Las Vegas, NV. I had never been there before, so it was a new, delirious, and slightly overwhelming experience. I immediately fell in love with the excess of it all. For heaven's sake, where else can you go to see a castle, a pyramid, a volcano, and a lake full of pirates all in one spot? How do you not adore the fact that everyone from Liberace to Sinatra to Sigfried and Roy have taken a little piece of Vegas and made it theirs forever? How can you not rejoice in the 24-hour buffets??

Well, fast forward to 2009. Randy and I just spent a long weekend in Vegas to celebrate our anniversary. And let me tell you folks--Vegas has lost its mystery. We've been there a few times over the years, and each time I go it wears on me a little more. However, this trip did have some really really good moments, so without further ado, I present to you the highlights and lowlights of our whirlwind Vegas trip.

(I'll start with the worst so that we can end on a high note.)

THE WORST--

1--The usual: cigarette/cigar/marijuana smoke everywhere you go, the constant drinking and drunkards, and total disregard for the fact that some people prefer not to see pictures of boobs of all sizes, shapes, and colors on every possible flat surface on the strip. (Strip--an appropriate term, no?)

2--The buffet at the Flamingo. I know, I know, how can this come close to the ickiness of porn and cigarette smoke everywhere?! But you have to understand, it was highly disappointing. Even the desserts--THE DESSERTS!!--had no flavor. A word to the wise--go to the Luxor instead.

3--The broken window on the car and my waterlogged phone (I dropped it in the tub). That was a quick $400.

4--The $50 I lost on slots and roulette. Don't lecture me, ok? I had a feeling we would win big. Unfortunately, that feeling was hope, not intuition. But wow, I totally understand how you can get addicted to gaming. The rush of winning totally overpowers any rational instinct you may have.

5--Anthony Cools. He's a hypnotist we went to see. Only we didn't find out till mid-show that it was the R-rated version of his show. Yeah, he's funny. Yes, seeing people wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes is hilarious. However, the sexual suggestions and repeated use of the F-bomb made it hard to enjoy.

On the upside,

THE BEST--



1--My sweet husband Randy. He's had a hard time of it lately. Work and his business and finances have been stressing him out so much. So it was nice to take three whole days and just relax and spend them together. It was our first trip alone together since before Carter-man was born. Also, ever the one for surprises, he bought us two tickets to......




2--LOVE!! The Cirque du Soleil Beatles show!!! What a great guy, huh? He had promised to take me after I graduated, but I didn't think we'd be able to afford the tickets and told him we could do other stuff instead. However, he knows how much I ADORE the Beatles, so he got them anyway and didn't tell me until we were wandering through the Mirage and he said, "Here. We need to stand here." I asked him why we were standing in a random line with a bunch of random people and he said, "Because it's the Will Call line. I promised I'd take you to see the Beatles." I love that man!

If you go to Vegas, GO TO THIS SHOW. It was indescribable and one of a kind. I'm not ashamed to say I cried--twice.



Me, right after the show.



Some random woman who jumped into my shot. I had to post it because it was hilarious.

3--Being in Vegas without the kiddos. Yes, I felt guilty...a little. But when the two kids in front of us on the sidewalk escalator by the Bellagio hit the emergency stop button and all of us just about tumbled to our deaths, I was really really glad I was not their parents and eternally grateful that my own kids were not there to learn that trick.

4--Mental. This is a really great little show at O'Shea's casino. The guy can read your mind. No seriously, trust me. It was amazing. Randy's still trying to figure it all out.

5--The wierd, fabulous stuff you see in Vegas that you can't find anywhere else. Did you know that Batman, Elvis, and Edward Cullen hang out together? Well they do. I know because the three of them passed us in a crosswalk on the strip. They were probably headed over to Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville to throw back a couple of shots together and dwell on their life experiences.

6--RELAXATION. Pure and simple. We slept in almost every morning and had nowhere to be and no one to see. That's the most sleep either one of us has gotten since about three years ago.

So all in all, despite the icky stuff, it was a pretty great trip. Happy Anniversary to us!

This 'n That.

It's been a while. Mostly because deadline weeks (weeks when all my news articles must be turned in) really wear on me. For two weeks out of the month, I love my job at the paper, mostly because I'm not dreading deadline with all my being. Then the other two weeks fly by, I miss deadline by three days, beat myself up over it every waking minute (and some sleeping minutes, too) risk making my editor fire me, and STRESS OUT. All while trying to keep everything else in my life running. It's a downward spiral, and it's not pretty.

But, cope we must. And this week is NOT deadline week. So life is good!

Some slightly more uplifing items of note:

--I've made this pasta twice in the last week. I love love love it. I love it so much, in fact, that I will eat the leftovers straight from the tupperware in the fridge with a fork. Don't tell anyone.

--I got to have dinner with my awesome friend Alicia tonight. She and her little boys Hunter and Gavin came, ate the above mentioned pasta, and made me and Carter and Randy very very happy.

--My mom and dad are coming this week! They live in Minnesota, so having them come for a visit is a rare treat. I'm looking forward to lots of family time and good food.

--I think I'm obsessed with good food.

--Finally, tomorrow is Randy's and my eighth anniversary. Eight. Yowza. This last year has made me believe that if you can make it through year seven then making it through eternity is CAKE. It's been rough in a lot of ways. But, I'm also grateful that we are closer now than we were a year ago because we've had to get through some tough things together. Our relationship is stronger. And I can honestly say that I love him so much and I'm grateful we've been able to build our life together.

To celebrate, we are going to Vegas in two weeks. Yup, Vegas. We went there on our honeymoon, so we're going to relive the high points (the Liberace Museum and the Luxor's buffet, of course) and we may even go see LOVE. Plus, we're just really really excited to get the heck out of this town.

So that's the update. Deadline week is still two weeks away, so there is a good chance I will post again soon. Until then!

It really IS the little things.

The other day I opened up the book of crosswords my friends gave me after graduation--you know, to keep my brain from shrivelling up--and this is what I found.



My first reaction was excitement at the fact that Randy was showing an interest in something I like to do. And then I actually read the words he had written. I laughed so hard that Carter thought something was wrong with me.

After all is said and done, with all the ups and downs that marriage brings, things like this are exactly why I love my husband.

The Other Woman

I have long been convinced that if she were actually human, my husband would leave me for Wendy. As in Wendy, hamburger-girl, daughter of Dave Thomas. Randy and I often joke that she is the other woman in our relationship--and he visits her on a regular basis.

Today, she swayed one more devotee to her cult.

I was sitting on the couch with Carter while he played a computer game. The game was kind of out of his league, and he kept losing so the game kept having to reload. As you know, during the reloading process, websites feel it necessary to subject us to ads. Well, I wasn't watching the screen, and all of a sudden Carter said, out of the blue, "I LOVE chicken nuggets, Mom." I said "Mmm-hmm" and then looked at the computer screen to see him lovingly stroking the face in this image:

After which he said, "Mom, I LOVE that chicken-girl."

Wow. He is totally his father's son.