Sad endings and new beginnings.

I think the time has come to talk about something I have studiously avoided ever talking about. But changes are coming, and this is the easiest way I could think of to get it out there.

To our families and close friends, it is not news that Randy and I have struggled for a long time now. Years, actually. We love each other dearly and love our children, but serious financial struggles, bad decisions on both our parts (Randy's related to work and finances, mine related to how I dealt with the situation as a whole), and our inability to find middle ground in our goals and desires have made it a hard four years or so. We have fought hard and attended more than a year of marriage counseling, but have not been able to make any headway.

This led to some serious conversations about our future together at the end of July. We basically had to decide whether we saw a future that we could work toward to make our marriage happy again, which I believed (and still believe) it could be. After months of conversations about it, and bargaining, and sadness, we decided two weeks ago to divorce.

Randy and I are both heartbroken. But whereas I think that (granted, with a lot of work) we could make a happy future, he thinks it is best to move on. And so we will. And we will be ok.

Since our conversation in July, I had known this was a possibility and was quietly making plans about what I would do if things turned out this way. My mom and dad, who recently moved back here from Minnesota and are in the process of closing on a new home, have offered to let Carter and I live with them as long as needed. Hopefully, we will only be imposing on them until my job at Cottonwood Heights becomes a full-time position--probably in the middle of next year. (On a sidenote, how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for helping me be able to provide for my family. I know it's not an accident that my parents just happened to move out here now, after trying to sell their house in MN for 16 months, and that I was hired to work for the city. They are deliberate blessings, for which I am so thankful.)

A lot of my things are now in storage (thanks to my personal moving company--my family). As soon as my parents close on their house and get settled, we will be moving in with them. That will probably happen sometime before the end of October. Randy will be staying here at the house for a few months until he finds another place to stay.

Brendan, Camryn, and Carter are all aware of what is happening. I am saddest for them. I know it can't be easy, especially for Carter who has only been able to grasp that he will miss his dad. But we will work through it. We love them more than ever, and I know we will all be OK.

I'm so grateful for my family and my friends who have seen me through this, and will probably be helping to prop me up for a while to come. They help me to be strong and keep me moving when I would rather pull the covers over my head and hide.

More than anything, I want anyone who reads this to know that I love Randy and I want him to be happy. I don't want anyone to judge him harshly. I don't want anyone to judge ME harshly, either. We did our best. I wish we could be happy together, but if that is not possible I just want him to find the joy he has been searching for.

I ache for the end of all the good things we've experienced in the last nine years. But I find hope in the knowledge there are good things to come for both of us.

(And on a much lighter note, thanks to my sweet boy Carter for choosing a new background for my blog.)