A Whole New Life. Kind of.

If life is a big neverending circle then I guess I'm where I should be, back where it all began--living with my parents.

This admission brings with it a little bit of mortification (I'm almost 35 and living with my PARENTS?!) but the overwhelming feeling I have is gratitude. I'm so grateful my mom and dad have been so generous by allowing Carter and me to crash here for a bit while I get my legs under me and get started down a new path.

We moved in this past Monday. I packed the last of the things from the house in West Jordan, said goodbye to my friends, and looked ahead to a whole new life. Definitely not the life I ever, ever imagined for myself, but I think it will still be a good life. I'm not quite sure what the future holds for me, but that's what makes it exciting, no?

Carter started school on Tuesday, and he loves his new class and has fit right in. Being apart from Randy has been a little tougher for him, especially on Monday night. But routines are forming and he's feeling more comfortable with our new digs, so I think we will both be just fine. Quite frankly if he's happy, I'm happy.

The hardest thing I will have to face by living here will probably be the steady stream of Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, with a little German yodeling and polka music mixed in. (I love you, Dad!) But if that's all I have to complain about, life is pretty darn good!

Sad endings and new beginnings.

I think the time has come to talk about something I have studiously avoided ever talking about. But changes are coming, and this is the easiest way I could think of to get it out there.

To our families and close friends, it is not news that Randy and I have struggled for a long time now. Years, actually. We love each other dearly and love our children, but serious financial struggles, bad decisions on both our parts (Randy's related to work and finances, mine related to how I dealt with the situation as a whole), and our inability to find middle ground in our goals and desires have made it a hard four years or so. We have fought hard and attended more than a year of marriage counseling, but have not been able to make any headway.

This led to some serious conversations about our future together at the end of July. We basically had to decide whether we saw a future that we could work toward to make our marriage happy again, which I believed (and still believe) it could be. After months of conversations about it, and bargaining, and sadness, we decided two weeks ago to divorce.

Randy and I are both heartbroken. But whereas I think that (granted, with a lot of work) we could make a happy future, he thinks it is best to move on. And so we will. And we will be ok.

Since our conversation in July, I had known this was a possibility and was quietly making plans about what I would do if things turned out this way. My mom and dad, who recently moved back here from Minnesota and are in the process of closing on a new home, have offered to let Carter and I live with them as long as needed. Hopefully, we will only be imposing on them until my job at Cottonwood Heights becomes a full-time position--probably in the middle of next year. (On a sidenote, how grateful I am to my Heavenly Father for helping me be able to provide for my family. I know it's not an accident that my parents just happened to move out here now, after trying to sell their house in MN for 16 months, and that I was hired to work for the city. They are deliberate blessings, for which I am so thankful.)

A lot of my things are now in storage (thanks to my personal moving company--my family). As soon as my parents close on their house and get settled, we will be moving in with them. That will probably happen sometime before the end of October. Randy will be staying here at the house for a few months until he finds another place to stay.

Brendan, Camryn, and Carter are all aware of what is happening. I am saddest for them. I know it can't be easy, especially for Carter who has only been able to grasp that he will miss his dad. But we will work through it. We love them more than ever, and I know we will all be OK.

I'm so grateful for my family and my friends who have seen me through this, and will probably be helping to prop me up for a while to come. They help me to be strong and keep me moving when I would rather pull the covers over my head and hide.

More than anything, I want anyone who reads this to know that I love Randy and I want him to be happy. I don't want anyone to judge him harshly. I don't want anyone to judge ME harshly, either. We did our best. I wish we could be happy together, but if that is not possible I just want him to find the joy he has been searching for.

I ache for the end of all the good things we've experienced in the last nine years. But I find hope in the knowledge there are good things to come for both of us.

(And on a much lighter note, thanks to my sweet boy Carter for choosing a new background for my blog.)

Do I look illegal?

The immigration debate.

Ahhh, what an intense debate it has become, and the feelings that go along with it are equally as intense. It's sad, however, that the debate has become less about what we can do to correct our immigration laws and how to help the millions of immigrants that live and work (and YES, PAY TAXES) here, and more about targeting "illegals," mostly hispanics, and using racism as a basis for expelling "unwanted" members of our society.

Did you know that neo-nazi groups have taken to patrolling our border? Doesn't that make you even a little nervous? (I won't even get started on the Tea Party.)

Did you hear about "The List" of 1,300 supposed illegal immigrants (many whose names are on the list say they are here legally), ALL LATINOS, which was compiled by at least two Utah state workers? They were trusted with confidential information, but chose to break the law in the name of their racist opinions instead.

Let me be clear: I am not in favor of letting in everyone who wants to cross our borders. I firmly believe that our immigration laws are flawed and in need of a major overhaul. I also believe that our borders need to be tightened.

However, I DO NOT believe in harassment and hatred. I DO NOT believe that all illegal immigrants are criminals. I DO NOT believe that we should "kick 'em all out!" as others would like.

I believe that we should care for PEOPLE, no matter where they come from. I believe that we should understand everyone's story before we rush to judge. I believe that mercy and charity are the foundation of Christianity, unlike many of the "Christians" who sit in judgement in their luxurious homes (by the world's standards) with everything they could possibly need and decide who does and who does not have the right to try to provide those same basic needs for those they love. I am completely convinced that most people who think that immigrants should just "go home" don't truly understand what it's like in those countries. If their situations were reversed, I guarantee they would be clamoring for a chance to come to the USA, even if they had to come here illegally.

Most of all, I decry the use of race as a basis for determining if someone is "illegal" or not. It gives hateful people an excuse to act on their most deplorable beliefs.

I read this article in the Salt Lake Tribune today, and I agree with it 100%.

"When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." Edmund Burke

Spike's Dad.

Read this. Just.....read it. For me. And for you. Enjoy!

Words of Wisdom.

As I chronicled here, I have spent the last nine months working at Jordan Valley School, a school for kids with disabilities severe enough that they won't succeed in a typical classroom. This last week, the school sponsored a bike fair and got all of the kids in the school to participate by drawing posters with safety tips. Then, the posters were plastered all up and down the halls of the school. They are AWESOME! So I thought I'd share some of the posters with all their words of wisdom. (Not all of it relates to bikes, as you'll see.)

"The Fringe Benefits of Failure."

Without going into detail, let it be said that Randy and I have not had the easiest go of this whole "life" debacle in the past few years. While I'm enormously grateful for him and for our family and the blessings of a roof over our heads and food to eat, we have also been facing "failure" full in the face and trying to come to grips with what that means about us personally. It's not a fun process.

Today, I watched this video on a whim, and I am starting to realize that failure does not comment on what I am but rather what I have the opportunity to become.

J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement from Harvard Magazine on Vimeo.

Best quote: "Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena where I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realized and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

So three cheers for rock bottom...and the fact that I refuse to be here for long.

Bizarre Rainbows.

Today, Carter and I were driving home from the preschool when I looked up and saw this:

...a straight rainbow! I've never seen anything like it. It stretched in a straight line across part of the sky--not in a bow like a traditional rainbow or in a circle like a circle around the sun. And it SHIMMERED...I'll swear it on my life.

To myself I muttered, "What IS that?? It's so bizarre!"


To which Carter replied, "Some rainbows are just bizarre, Mom." Like it was the most normal thing in the world.

In other news, I got this in the mail today:

It's official.

Bizarre rainbows, indeed.